Why You Relapse (Even When You Swear You Won't)
There is something festering…putrefying that is going unaddressed because of stigma—porn use.
So many people have an unhealthy relationship with pornography but it’s such a taboo topic that people feel ashamed to talk about it and so it goes unaddressed. Well today we’re taking the plunge. We’ll talk about why porn use becomes compulsive, how it sabotages relationships, and what actually helps people heal—not just abstain. Whether you watch a lot of porn or if you have a partner that watches a lot and don’t know what to do about it, we’re going to break it down here.
We’re going to talk about
The problems
Why they exist
What to do about them
My name is Sean. I’m a mental health coach. I see 40+ clients a week and I have a 98% satisfaction score from over 1600 ratings.
So first what’s the problem?
What many people that I’ve worked with experience is that they are less interested in relationships when they watch a lot of porn. The porn is so stimulating and processed that real life just can’t compete. It’s like eating an apple after eating high octane sugar. The apple just tastes like paper. So if they are looking for a partner it makes it so they just don’t really feel any spark with anyone. They say things to themselves like “Ehhh I don’t know, is there someone better out there?”
And if they are already in a relationship it can affect their sex life. There’s even a term people use—death-grip syndrome—to describe when the way someone masturbates creates stimulation so intense that partnered sex doesn’t compare. Or even that it just isn’t as exciting or extreme as the porn you watch and so it just doesn’t do it for you.
Many relationships struggle because one person watching porn, makes the other feel like they are not enough in some way. Or they may even feel that watching porn in a relationship is cheating.
A lot of people will get so absorbed in pornography that they will be late to or miss appointments. They will put off responsibilities to watch porn.
In severe cases people may even do things like watch it at work which can have severe consequences.
Furthermore there are ethical concerns. Many people have a lot of shame and guilt around watching porn because they have been taught that it is wrong.
So why is this happening?
After talking to a lot of people who struggle with this kind of issue there is one consistent pattern I have seen across everyone who struggles with porn use. They use porn for emotional regulation, boredom, or habit, instead of arousal.
So when they are feeling a lot of negative emotions and don’t know how to handle them, they will turn to porn to soothe themselves.
When they are feeling bored they say to themselves “Well nothing better to do, might as well watch some porn”
Or it’s just become part of their daily routine. Get home from work and pull up some porn to watch.
But when I ask these people if they are actually aroused when they watch porn they tell me 1 of 2 things. Either:
“Not really”
Or
“Once I start watching I’ll get aroused but when I first seek it out I’m not.”
What’s the solution then?
Should we just cut porn out of our lives entirely? Well if you’re reading this you’ve probably tried that already and it didn’t work. You may be able to stay away for some length of time but then inevitably you “relapse” and end up watching even more porn.
To get to the solution we have to diverge for a moment and talk about addiction in general. Addiction is not a problem in and of itself—it is a symptom of a problem. Think about an alcoholic for instance. The reason that many people start drinking is because they are deeply suffering in one way or another. Alcohol is a way to soothe that suffering, even if it’s only temporary. It’s self medication.
When we look at porn it bears a striking resemblance. What were the main uses for porn again? Oh yeah! Emotional regulation, boredom, or habit. These boil down to a lack of fulfillment, peace, and contentment in ones life. Studies have even shown that there is a correlation between pornography use and feeling a lack of purpose in ones life. In other words the more you feel purposeless the more porn you are likely to watch.
So what actually works? In my experience, the people who find real healing around porn aren’t the ones white-knuckling abstinence. They’re the ones who start addressing the needs that porn is trying to meet.
When we stop treating porn like the enemy and start asking what role it plays in our lives, we can begin to shift the pattern. Here are the three areas I focus on with clients:
Emotional Processing: By starting to actually deal with some of the things they are struggling with there is less of a pull toward the comfort that porn has become. Think about what a vicious cycle it is. You have a really awful day and don’t know how to deal with it so you watch porn to make yourself feel better, but then you feel guilty and ashamed afterward. And then you don’t know how to deal with the guilt and shame either so that gets added onto the emotional pile. And when you’re feeling awful what do you turn to? That’s right! Good ole porn once again! And thus the cycle repeats. Whereas if we start chipping away at the emotional iceberg it disrupts the whole cycle. I’m not going to go into details about emotional processing here, but this video is a great place to start. Or if you’d like my help with it you can schedule a free 50 minute coaching session here
Fulfillment: If a lack of purpose correlates with increased porn usage then it stands to reason that the opposite should also be true. And this is what I see with people that I work with. Once they feel like their life has direction, meaning, purpose the porn naturally starts to fade into the background.
When/how they watch porn: My personal stance on pornography is that it is not inherently evil or harmful. Like anything it is about how it is made/used. We’ll get more into this in a moment. But following this idea, we start to only use porn when they are aroused. In doing so porn ceases to be this horrible awful thing that you need to feel guilty and ashamed every time you engage with and instead becomes just another thing. Another crucial detail in this process is focusing on the sensation. When you watch the porn focus on the sensations that you feel. Many people get so absorbed in the porn that they forget their own experience. So notice all of the sensations in your body. Stay present and mindful as you watch.
Maybe you’re not just struggling with how you use porn—but whether it’s okay to use at all. You’re not alone in that question. Many of the people I work with carry a deep, inherited guilt about porn—not just from personal use, but from concerns about the industry itself.
So let’s talk about it:
Is porn evil?
It certainly can be. But then again, most things, even the most wholesome, can be used in evil ways. There are certainly problems in the porn industry where actors are treated poorly, proper safety measures aren’t taken, and a whole slew of other issues. AND there is also porn that people are very proud of. They view it as a form of art and expression.
“But is it ethical to watch it?” Again that depends. If you are watching porn from tube sites it’s not very ethical. Tube sites steal work from the creators that make it and even if they don’t they typically compensate the people who made it very poorly. But thanks to the internet many adult actors are starting to build their own personal brands that you can engage with.
“So you’re suggesting I fall down the OnlyFans rabbit hole?” Again, the people I’ve worked with that get addicted to OnlyFans do so because they are self medicating some deeper issue. Not because of the porn itself. And if you’re engaging with these adult creators personal brands it helps you to see them more like actual human beings instead of just sexual objects.
But what happens when this shows up in our relationships?
Even if you’re okay with how you use porn—and even if it feels ethical—you might still be facing conflict in your relationship about it.
One of the most common concerns I hear is: “Isn’t watching porn cheating?”
That question leads into one of the most sensitive parts of this topic: how porn impacts intimacy, trust, and boundaries in a relationship.
This splits into two different paths:
Is it a problem because they are not meeting your needs in the relationship?
Or is it a problem because you consider porn to be cheating in a relationship?
If it is the first, then by all means talk with them about that. Talk with your partner about how you have needs and you need their help in meeting them.
If it’s the second, I would question what makes you think that? Do you also feel like it’s cheating in a relationship if you partner finds someone else attractive? They don’t take any action they just note the attractiveness of another human outside of the relationship. Do you feel like it is wrong for your partner to have friends that are the opposite gender? (I’m assuming a heteronormative perspective because that is where I see most of these problems occur)
If the answer to these questions is yes, the next question I would ask you is how do you see this playing out long term? If you keep your partner on a tight leash and don’t allow them any freedom in the relationship, what do you think will happen when one day your hand slips? You know the old phrase—the tighter the leash the farther they run.
The other question I would ask you is what kind of relationship do you want to be in? Do you want to be in a relationship where you are constantly having to monitor your partner and worrying about if they are cheating on you? Or do you want to be in a relationship that is built off of a foundation of trust. That your partner can go visit a friend of the opposite gender and you feel totally secure that they are going to stay true to the terms of the relationship?
And finally, what happens when your libidos don’t line up? Are you supposed to push through and meet your partner’s needs even when you’re not in the mood? Or should they suppress theirs entirely and not masturbate at all?
A pattern I see often in struggling relationships is people expect their partner to meet all of their needs—sexual, emotional, even existential. But that kind of pressure doesn’t create closeness. It breeds codependency. And over time, it suffocates the relationship.
When I work with people that feel like porn is cheating in a relationship it is always for one of two reasons
They feel insecure in the relationship
They have a stigma against porn.
Feeling insecure in your relationship is perfectly valid. We all struggle with insecurity sometimes. But instead of feeding the insecurity by giving into its demands and restricting your partner, have a conversation with your partner about the insecurities you feel. Do the work that is necessary to process those insecurities so that you can feel safe in your relationship.
Action Items
So if you’ve gotten all the way to the end, here are some action items based on what we talked about today:
Only watch porn out of arousal.
Process your emotions.
Intentionally seek out purpose, meaning, direction in your life.
If applicable have a conversation with your partner about your needs not being met.
If applicable have a conversation with your partner about feeling insecure in the relationship.
With care and service,
Sean
P.S. You’ve made it to the super secret part! You read 2,139 words—that’s amazing! If you made it all the way here comment “2139” below.