Why I Locked Myself Away

What I learned about the patterns we try to hate out of ourselves

You’re not broken you’re maladaptive

“Why do I do this to myself?!” You ever ask yourself this question?

Every time something needs to be taken care of at work you volunteer yourself for it, even though you already feel overworked, underpaid, and exhausted.

And it’s like “what’s the matter with me?” You feel so angry at yourself which then actually ends up eroding your sense of worth which makes it harder to stick up for yourself and voila the vicious cycle continues.

So why do you do this to yourself? This is going to sound weird but it’s not a bug, it’s a feature. It’s how you learned how to survive. It’s an adaptation.

I know it sounds crazy. How could something that causes you so much anger, pain, and suffering be an adaptation?! Well you’re right that it has become maladaptive—it hurts you more than it helps you now. What once kept you safe now quietly drains your energy, your relationships, and your sense of choice. But it didn’t start that way.

When you were a little girl, maybe the thing that you were praised for was when you worked hard. Maybe it was hard to get attention and love from your parents but if you did an amazing project for school or did extra chores around the house, all of a sudden mom and dad were showering you in praise. It made you feel happy and loved. So of course you learned to take on everything that you could so that you could get the same from others around you.

Think about how brilliant that little girl is. She took a tough situation and figured out a way to get what she needed. She figured out how to take care of you. And I don’t know about you but in my eyes she deserves a lot of respect for that.

Sure the situation may be different now. Maybe now you’re married to an amazing man who loves you for who you are not what you accomplish. Or maybe you’re surrounded by friends or coworkers who don’t need you to prove your worth because they see it every day.

But how would you feel if you had always done something for a friend that made them really happy and then one day they got really mad at you for it because the situation was different? When I put myself in that situation I feel really blindsided, confused, and betrayed. That little girl who worked so hard to be loved feels the same way. So pay her the reverence she deserves. You don’t have to agree with the behavior. You don’t have to like that she’s doing it now. But acknowledge what she did for you.

When I guide clients through this, that part of themselves that has always fought tooth and nail against them begins to soften. She feels heard, understood, acknowledged, and appreciated for the first time. And as a result, she is more willing to listen to alternatives. Don’t get me wrong, she’s still terrified. She’s never done it any other way. If she doesn’t volunteer for everything is she still going to be loved? But she’s willing to face the scary thing with you because you acknowledged what she is trying to do. You helped her to realize that you two actually have the same goal and that you’re not trying to get rid of her. You’re trying to work with her to accomplish your shared goal in the best way.

I’ll give you a personal example. I grew up around a lot of big personalities that I didn’t feel like I could compete with. It made me feel pretty powerless. But the one source of agency that I did have is I could shut down. No matter how big their energies were if I didn’t want to talk about something they couldn’t make me. So whenever I was upset I would bring down the steel vault doors and go into lock down. It was my way of protecting myself and feeling like I had some kind of agency in the environment I grew up in.

Over time those steel vault doors became automatic. Any time I was upset I locked up tight, even if I wanted to share with someone, I didn’t feel like I could. It felt like shoving my soul through a cheese grater to verbalize what was going on internally for me while those vault doors were down.

It damaged and even destroyed some of my relationships. And just like you, I would get really angry at myself and beat myself up. “Why can’t you just talk to people when you’re upset? It’s not that hard!” And guess what happened? The steel vault doors locked down harder.

And then eventually I realized why shutting down was so important to me. What it did for me. Those doors protected me and kept me safe. As I started to acknowledge that, it’s not like the door lifted immediately. It was more like, for the first time, there was a keypad. The doors would still come down to protect me, but because I knew that’s what they were doing they slowly but surely started allowing me to lift them if I let them know that everything was safe.

Now, after a lot of work building a relationship with this part of myself, the steel vault doors are a helpful tool on my tool belt. When I need to protect my energy I can bring down the steel vault doors. They are a powerful internal boundary to keep myself safe that I can use intentionally now.

So to speak directly to the part of you that worked so hard to protect you, we’re not trying to get rid of you. We are so grateful for all that you’ve done for us. We just don’t want you to have to carry this all alone anymore.

Take some time to think about what this adaptation did for you. What made it important for this part of you to behave this way?

I totally understand how frustrating it can be when it feels like you’re sabotaging yourself over and over again. And there’s a damn good reason this part of you is behaving this way. By understanding and acknowledging what that is you two can begin working together. I feel a rush of excitement thinking about the idea that if you have accomplished everything you have while fighting this part of you every step of the way, what will you two be capable of together?

This is the work I do in coaching. I help you to stop fighting the parts of yourself that you are trying to keep you safe, so that real change can occur.

Some people explore this work on their own for a long time. Others decide they don’t want to do it alone anymore. If this resonated and you want support integrating it, you can learn more about working with me here or schedule a free 50-minute session when you’re ready.

And finally, if you think this idea is important, please help to spread it by sharing this with people you care about.

With care and service,

Sean