Why Demonizing Narcissists Makes Abuse Harder to See

Understanding protects. Excusing endangers.

Let me start this out very clearly: NARCISSISTIC ABUSE IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE! Remember that as you continue to read because it may bring up some uncomfortable feelings.

Recently I got in some hot water because I posted a reel on Instagram talking about how I understand narcissists.

Narcissists are individuals whose egos have inflated to a clinical level. So to understand narcissists we have to understand the ego—

“SEAN WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO UNDERSTAND NARCISSISTS?! SHOWING THEM UNDERSTANDING IS EXACTLY WHAT PERPETUATES THE ABUSE. IT DOESN’T MATTER WHY THEY DO WHAT THEY DO! THE HARM THEY CAUSE IS UNACCEPTABLE! PEOPLE WHO HAVEN’T BEEN THROUGH THIS CAN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT’S LIKE!” these are the kinds of comments I was getting on my instagram post. So let’s talk about it.

I used to have a friend that I loved really deeply. I loved spending time with her. The friendship felt amazing and then one day she disappeared. And I was left feeling confused, heartbroken, just all around fucked up. Completely ravaged and torn up inside. It wasn’t until I talked about the nature of the relationship with a therapist that I learned that I had been the victim of a covert narcissist.

So first and foremost I want to acknowledge the pain that narcissists cause. I remember how awful it was to just be thrown away. It makes perfect sense to be incredibly angry and for alarm bells to go off around anything that seems to be justifying narcissistic behavior or defending it in any way. What they did to you is completely unacceptable and they should be held accountable for their actions.

I know this sounds crazy, but the reason that I am writing this is actually for you. Let me explain.

When I was younger, I remember getting educated in school about child predators. They would tell us things like “Hey remember that they are probably not going to look like some creepy guy in a van offering you candy. They are probably going to seem really nice and kind.” That was not in any way to defend child predators. It was to help us know what to look for so that we wouldn’t be blindsided and horribly hurt.

The same is true with my intention for making that reel and writing this article. If we think of narcissists as Disney Villains, as one dimensional, inhuman, reptilian monsters, then what happens when you meet someone who doesn’t fit any of that criteria but is a narcissist? You get hurt. That’s what happened to me. Because that friend was not a monster and she still did real harm. She had a lot of amazing qualities that I cherished. To this day when I think about her my heart still aches. Had I known what I was dealing with I could have seen signs along the way and kept myself safer.

I’ve talked with friends and clients who have also been through narcissistic abuse and they have voiced similar sentiments. The academic explanation of narcissism is often insufficient, so people end up learning the hard way.

This is why I have such an issue with the way that narcissists are talked about. Until we understand the actual root of what narcissism is, people will continue to be fooled and suffer narcissistic abuse.

So no, having an understanding of what a narcissist is does not perpetuate the abuse. What perpetuates the abuse is condoning behavior based on that understanding. Those are two very different things. I’ll give you a parallel example.

Let’s say that you’re in a relationship with someone who when they get angry they start yelling at you. And the reason why they do that is because they grew up in a household where the only way that they felt like they could be heard was if they screamed and shouted. That is the only behavior that got their parents to listen. Understanding that can help to address the issue but it doesn’t mean that them yelling at you is okay. It doesn’t mean that you should tolerate them yelling at you.

“Nothing I can do about it! I tell them not to yell at me and they do it anyway!” This is a big reason that narcissism is able to cause so much harm. People think that setting a boundary is just telling someone not to do something. But that’s not setting a boundary. That’s just making an ask. Boundaries require enforcement. You have to have some kind of leverage in the situation or you cannot set a boundary.

So for instance, in the example of the relationship where the other person yells, a boundary might sound like “Please do not yell at me. If we are having a conversation and you start yelling at me, I am going to leave the house.”

Recently I ran a poll on Instagram and I got overwhelming feedback that boundaries feel really scary. And it makes sense. In a society that teaches us to shrink ourselves down and get in line, standing up for yourself can feel absolutely terrifying. If that is the case for you you shouldn’t have to go through it alone. I would love to help you feel safe setting boundaries. Click here to schedule a free 50 minute session with me.

Now that we have clarified a bit, let’s circle back to this idea of the root of narcissism—the ego. The ego is just another word for our sense of identity. There is a very simple reason that it exists and that is to protect our emotions. The example I used in the reel was a guy asks a girl out and before he asks her out he’s like “oh my god she’s so beautiful! She’s so perfect! She’s such a goddess!” And then when he asks her out and she rejects him, he says, “She was a bitch anyway.”

In that moment, his ego is flaring up to put her down so that he doesn’t have to deal with the pain of rejection. And so it is with narcissists. At their core, they are actually incredibly insecure. They feel fundamentally worthless. And the way that they learned to cope with that was to compensate with their ego. Whether it is the classic narcissist that brags and boasts or the covert narcissist that constantly paints themselves as a victim, they are doing it to cope with their raging insecurity. By boasting or putting themselves down, they get validation from others that reassures them that they are not what they fear. Understanding this doesn’t mean you should tolerate their behavior, try to fix them, or stay in the relationship longer. It is purely so you are better protected.

“No that’s not all narcissism is! Narcissism runs in families!” This is another example of a comment I got on Instagram. And you’re right narcissism can absolutely run in families but not because of genetics. Something like temperament may play a small role, but the primary reason narcissism runs in families is because as human beings we respond to trauma in one of two ways. We either develop in opposition to it or we perpetuate it.

Good example is a kid whose dad beats them brutally and then when they grow up often times they will make one of two choices. They will say “I am never going to lay a hand on my kids.” Or they will beat their kids too.

So when a kid grows up with a parent who is a narcissist sometimes they learn the same coping mechanism that they saw in their parent. They learn that the way to get through life is to blame everyone else so that they don’t have to feel the painful emotions lurking underneath.

And I hope that this is already clear but I want to state it explicitly just in case. It is not your responsibility to help the narcissist heal. You are not responsible for taking care of your abuser. Do what you have to do to take care of yourself and get out of the situation. My hope is that this kind of information will help to protect you and raise awareness of how narcissism actually functions so that everyone can heal.

So when you are interacting with people don’t look for a Disney villain plotting to take over the world. Look for the person who cannot tolerate their own emotions. The person who wields their identity like a weapon. Whether it is pointed at you or at themselves. That is how you spot a narcissist.

Stay safe.

With care and service,

Sean