Men Explained

Men can be hard to deal with. Their behavior can seem confusing, erratic, even scary sometimes. A lot of women think that men are evil and malicious. They think that men are trying to hurt them and it makes them feel unsafe. Which makes sense because there are definitely men that commit horrible violent acts. But the truth is that most men have been emotionally stunted. Society has suppressed their emotions to such severity, they've become emotional time bombs. If we want to improve our relationship with men we have to understand the roots of the problem.

First let me be very clear that my intention is not in any way to excuse men's negative behavior towards women. Men absolutely need to take accountability for their actions. It is not your responsibility to fix this for men. My intention is to take a small bit of the burden off your shoulders so that you feel safer, and more empowered in your interactions with men. With that said, let’s talk about the roots:

• Root 1: The Gender Role Shift

  Before World War II, there were clear gender roles. Men were the providers, and women took care of the home. During the war, women stepped into the workforce, but when the men came back, things didn’t go back to “normal.” Women had tasted independence, and they weren’t about to go back to just managing the home. Women had adjusted to this new way of existing but men had not. Men no longer had a clear idea of what their gender role was which leads us to the second root

• Root 2: Emotional Stunting

  You might think that men should have been able to figure out their new role. After all, women did. The problem is that society discourages men from introspecting. Men are not supposed to have feelings, they're supposed to take action and fix problems. This results in their emotions staying very young. Let me explain what I mean by this.

  Imagine as a kid you never learn how to ride a bike. Then, as an adult you decide that you want to learn. It's not like because you're an adult you instantly know how to ride a bike. You still have to go through the same learning process a kid goes through. The same is true with men and their emotions.

  A simple example of this that I see all the time is how hard it is for men to show their sadness after a breakup. I can't tell you the number of men I've worked with that had one great heartbreak. They never recover from it because they never let themselves mourn the relationship. They’ve never learned how to process grief or sadness, due to societal pressure. Instead they express the only emotion that is “socially acceptable” for men which is anger.

So with these roots in mind how do we navigate relationships with men?

• Boundary Setting

  Boundary setting has two very important parts. Stating of the boundary and enforcing of the boundary. If there is no enforcement, it’s not a boundary it’s a request. It is actually worse to set a boundary and not enforce it than it is to not set a boundary at all. Here’s why. When we set a boundary and don’t enforce it we are telling men, consciously or otherwise, that it is okay to violate our boundaries. Therefore, only set boundaries you know you can enforce.

  Boundary setting/enforcing isn’t fun. In the short term the men in your life will probably not be happy when you set boundaries. Here’s something that can help with that. Acknowledge their side of things while remaining firm in your boundary. For example, “I understand this might feel frustrating for you but this boundary is really important to me.” By letting men know you understand where they are coming from and this boundary is still important to you it can take a little bit of the edge off. It also helps men to pay attention to their own emotions which leads perfectly into the second point

• Support & Celebrate Vulnerability

  If you have a man that you love in your life, support and celebrate his vulnerability. Encourage him to also share that vulnerability with men in his life. “I’m proud of you for sharing that. Have you talked to [friend’s name] about how you’re feeling?” By supporting and celebrating his vulnerability his emotions will mature over time. And in being vulnerable with his friends you won't have to be his only outlet. We need support systems not support people.

• If You’re a Man Reading This

  Practice being intimate with your friends. Start small—tell a close friend how much you appreciate them, or ask how they’re really feeling. The more you practice, the easier it gets. By doing this you get practice with the emotional. Emotions happen whether we acknowledge them or not. What often happens with clients I work with is they don't acknowledge their emotions. This results in their emotions having effects on them that they are not aware of. By practicing engaging with your emotions, their effects become clearer.

IMPORTANT NOTE: The examples I’ve been describing are heteronormative, but these dynamics can absolutely apply to same sex or non-binary relationships. We all have masculinity and femininity within us.

With care and service,

Sean

P.S. I’m looking for a group of people that want to practice these sorts of things together. A group where we show up for each other, check in with each other and help each other work through the tough times. If you want this too click here