How Do I Treat Myself Like I Treat Others?

Treat Yourself Series Part 3

by Kaya Toast For The Soul. Highly recommend checking them out.

WE HAVE ARRIVED!

Over the last few weeks we have been putting the pieces in place to set you up to be able to build a better relationship with yourself. If you have not read Part 1/Part 2 yet be sure to go back and read those first.

Let’s Begin

Now that you have practiced the communication tools we went over in Part 1 and established who the members of your council are (the different parts of you that have been frozen in time and still try to influence you) that we talked about in Part 2, now we can begin to communicate with those members of your council using the communication tools you’ve been practicing.

It’s much easier to validate someone else than it is to validate yourself. This is why we are going to trick your mind into thinking that you are talking to someone else. It may seem weird or stupid at first but believe it or not the mind is actually very easy to trick. A great example of this is poker. In poker, people often play with chips instead of cash. Part of the reason that they do this is because your mind has an association with money. Money is very important to most people in the world today. We tend to want to hold onto our money. Losing money is a scary thing for most people. But in poker your money is a tool that you use to win the game. So instead of playing with cash, people play with chips because it tricks the mind into changing the association. It’s ultimately EXACTLY the same thing. Whether it’s a $50 bill or a $50 chip they represent the exact same thing, but it feels different.

We’re going to do the same thing for your relationship with yourself. So rather than just trying to talk to yourself you’re going to talk to your council members like they are separate people. Ultimately we logically know that it’s all just you, but when you imagine having a conversation with that council member instead of just yourself, it feels different. As you talk to your council member start asking open ended questions, start reflectively listening, start validating their experience.

Handling Suspicion

Now, as you do this you may find that the council member that you’re talking to is suspicious of you, because your relationship has always been so antagonistic. They don’t trust you. They may think you’re trying to trick them somehow. If that happens you can validate that experience too. “Yeah it totally makes sense that you would be suspicious of me because we have always fought.” Over time as you validate their experience, they will begin to open up and tell you about what is important to them. When they do this you listen and validate what they are saying.

This begins to transform the dynamic of your relationship with yourself. Instead of a constant battle it turns into a collaboration. Your council member and you begin working together on problems rather against each other. You form an alliance and become a team! Just take a second to imagine a situation where you’re working with someone and every step of the way they fight you. Imagine what a tremendous drain that would be. Now imagine the opposite where instead of having to work by yourself you have someone to collaborate with and help you out. This is what it’s like when you and your council start to team up.

CAREFUL!

Once you start having these conversations, with the members of your council and you have a genuine moment of understanding with yourself it’s going to feel incredible. It’s going to feel like a breakthrough. You’re going to think to yourself “Well that’s it. I’m all fixed. I can now live the rest of my life in peace and tranquility.” Unfortunately, in all likelihood what will actually happen is that you will have this amazing transformative conversation and then you will be going about your life and the same pattern you have always struggled with will re-emerge. That council member will come and kick you out of your seat again in a panic. This doesn’t negate your progress.

When that happens it is your job to go and check in with them. Practice the communication tools that you have learned and remind them of the alliance that you two have formed. Know that you have not done anything wrong. This is a natural part of the process. Here’s a parallel example. There’s a couple. This couple has fought for years. Their relationship has been rocky for a long time. They go to couples therapy and have a big break through where for the first time in a long time they understand where each other are coming from. Do you think that now their relationship is fixed and perfect? Do you think that they’ll never argue again? No of course not. It is going to take time, adjustment, and a lot of regular reminding to undo the muscle memory that has formed from the old dynamic. The same is true for your relationship with yourself.

I wish you the best of luck on improving your relationship with yourself. If this process has been valuable to you help normalize good mental health by sharing this with 1 person you think could benefit from this

Feel free to share your experience or ask questions throughout this process in our community Or if you’re interested in having some 1-on-1 help with me let me know you’re interested by filling out this form

I want to provide you the most valuable resources possible so let me know how you felt about this: