“THERE ARE ONLY 2 GENDERS!” You ever heard anyone say something like this? Maybe you even believe this yourself. Let’s break it down.
The first thing to clarify is the difference between gender and sex. A lot of people use these terms interchangeably but they are actually two distinct things. Gender is societal and sex is biological.
So often times when people say “there are only 2 genders” and they cite that men have penises and women have vaginas they are actually talking about sex not gender. However even when it comes to sex there are more than 2 sexes. Sure there may be 2 that are the most common but nature is messy and imperfect—that’s part of what makes her so beautiful. So there are actually all sorts of different combinations of genitalia and XY chromosomes within people.
And if we are actually talking about gender it is ultimately a construct. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t have real world impact—money and time are also constructs. These things are integral to the way that we live. It just means that we give them meaning. So for instance, with money, ultimately it’s just a piece of paper that we have all agreed has some sort of significance. Or with time we have all agreed that there are 12 months in a year with the respective amount of days in each month. But that is ultimately, completely arbitrary. We could say there are any amount of months we want to, and in fact some cultures do have different calendars.
And with gender it’s a construct that someone is making about themselves. A decision about their identity that feels right to them. Ultimately there can be as many genders as people that want to create them. To say there are only two is like saying that USD is the only currency. You can choose to believe that if you want to but there are going to be huge groups of people exchanging currency that you don’t believe to be real.
Now gender and sex definitely intermingle and definitely do have cultural effects. So if someone is born with a penis we will often assign them male at birth (sex) and then socialize them in a particular way (gender).
And this is true of society in general—especially western society. We often work in averages and try to provide train tracks based on those averages. So for instance the gold standard when it comes to scientific research in the west is called a double-blind randomized controlled trial where we will test some huge portion of the population and find something like “okay 80% of people with these symptoms responded well to this drug” and so then we will offer that drug as a solution for those symptoms. But what that means is that for 20% of people that drug won’t help with those problems.
And I see this with people that I work with all the time. For so many people the premade paths of life just don’t feel right for them. They try to follow them but they wind up miserable. And what brings them a lot of clarity is when they start to craft their own homebrew of life. Gender is a part of that equation.
Ultimately, gender is a spectrum. Think about it like sizes of clothes. We have standard sizing like small medium and large but if you want something that fits you really well you have to get it tailored or custom made because most of us don’t perfectly fit into those standard sizes. The same is true with gender.
I view it as 3 distinct spectrums. Other people may use gender to encompass additional categories of stuff and because it’s all a construct that’s great. I say that to clarify that this model is not definitive it is just the way that is helpful for me to think about gender.
So you can identify as a masculine man, a feminine man, or a man that lands somewhere in the middle between masculinity and femininity or even just feel neutral or indifferent to it.
You can identify as a feminine woman, a masculine woman, or a woman that lands somewhere in the middle
And finally you can identify as non-binary with a more masculine, feminine, or neutral tilt.
Some people just opt out of gender as a construct all together.
People that are gender fluid like to hop between these different spectrums. So some days they may feel like a masculine man but on other days they feel like a feminine woman. Or some days they may feel like a feminine man and others they may feel like a masculine woman. Sometimes they may even feel like they are sitting on multiple spectrums or multiple points of the spectrum simultaneously.
One of the beautiful things about our minds is that we have the capacity to hold two seemingly conflicting things as true simultaneously.
And remember because gender is a construct what masculine, feminine, non-binary mean across different cultures is going to be different. In some cultures it may be very masculine for a man to wear a skirt for instance.
And being aware of where you are at on these spectrums can feel really fulfilling—just like wearing clothes that fit you perfectly. The other important note about these spectrums is that you don’t have to commit to one forever—again it’s a construct. So just like someone who is gender fluid can jump between spectrums day to day you can too throughout different phases of your life.
It doesn’t invalidate your original choice simply because you change your mind later.
But the designation is only important when its coupled with how it is embodied and expressed. Finding the ways that feel right for you to express your gender identity. It might have to do with the way you move, the way you talk, the way you dress, your sexuality—anything and everything.
So how can knowing where you are on these spectrums have any impact on your life?
Well to use myself as an example, I identify as a feminine man. When I was younger I would try to dress in the ways that are conventionally attractive for a masculine man and it never felt good. I never felt attractive. But I still remember the first time I dressed in a way that felt like a feminine man, and I felt attractive for the first time in my life.
My interests are also more conventionally feminine. I love talking about feelings with people, I enjoy skincare, and dancing. But I also have some interests that are more conventionally masculine like my interest in business, and I get a lot of fulfillment in providing for my wife.
Personally I don’t care what other people identify me as because I feel secure in my own gender identity. So often times people think that I’m gay or trans and I get it. Based on the societal constructs around gender, feminine men do often fall into those categories. So I don’t blame people for lumping me into them.
And ultimately those constructs can be useful. It’s nice being able to buy clothes online and know that I need to get a small. The problem comes when those constructs become rigid.
For instance, when people are hateful to others because they aren’t following the societal gender constructs. And I suspect that the reason that they do this is because they have felt trapped in a rigid gender construct themselves.
Let’s take the example of a man who was raised by a tough dad who told him to “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.” That when he has reached out for support/help he has been told that he has no right to be complaining because he’s a privileged man. It makes a lot of sense to me that when that man saw someone expressing themselves in a way that broke that rigidity that he had always been held to, it would feel incredibly unfair. It would make him angry. He wasn’t allowed to do that why should others be allowed to?
Don’t get me wrong—it doesn’t excuse the hateful behavior. People that do hateful violent acts should still absolutely be held accountable, and if we are going to do the gender healing that seems necessary, we need to start differentiating between emotions and behaviors. Emotions are always valid, behavior is not.
So here are some things to reflect on:
“Where do I fall on the different gender spectrums?”
“How do I/could I embody that in my life?”
“Do I feel held back or inhibited by any gender constructs?”
“How could I take a baby step outside of that construct to find more fulfillment for myself”
And by the way if you feel very happy and comfortable in your gender identity that’s awesome! Keep being you!
If you’d like help exploring the nuances within your own gender identity I’d love to have a free 50 minute session with you.
Black and white thinking is an indication of our fight or flight response which activates when we feel unsafe. The more that we can embrace nuance and subtly the more we can heal.
With care and service,
Sean
P.S. I’d love to hear your answers to the reflections above if you’d feel comfortable sharing them comment below.